He said, “Look into your soul and tell me who you are?”
I cringed.
“But I don’t want to tell you who I am.”
For I have covered my emotions and buried them deep inside,
not wanting them to come to the surface and reveal my tears.
I remind myself that all have felt loss, been hurt, suffered pain.
Why do I need to burden those around me with mine?
Those memories are sleeping while I busy myself with other people’s lives,
encouraging their hopes and dreams.
Listening and relating to them, knowing full well how others feel,
I respond to their sadness, grief, and loss.
But on the outside, I choose to laugh and share their joy,
Seeking pleasure in nature, art and books,
in country drives and dining and other forms of learning,
But inside – have I forgotten me?
Where is that spark of hope?
Am I still alive?
It’s not because I’ve been unloved;
for in this I have been truly blessed.
Then, is it because I am growing old, fearing love is a thing of the past
because my body is no longer beautiful?
Is it because I fear rejection, disappointment, or sorrow?
Or am I just too lazy to make the effort – once more?
Could it be that my tastes and values are far too high?
Why have I shut myself off from opening myself to love,
living in my head and closing my heart’s door?
For with that closing all emotion seems to have died,
leaving me alone to muse – that I once felt.
~ Paula Niall
